A-Z of  Pantomime, Pantomimes, pantomime scripts, panto scripts, bespoke scripts, custom panto scripts, pantomime characters, pantomime music, Playwright, Pantomime Opening, Pantomime Dame, Pantomime Principal Boy, Pantomime Principal Girl, Pantomime Heroes, Pantomime Baddies, Broker's Men,Pantomime Fairies, Pantomime Jokes, Pantomime Music, Pantomime Songs, Custom-built Pantomime, Custom-built Panto, classic and original stories, Pantomine scripts, Amateur Dramatics, Bespoke Panto, Oh no you don't, it's behind you, Aladdin, Cinderella, Puss in Boots, Christmas Show
 

Pantos Direct
 Pantomime scripts written especially for you!!

  

 

Home Your Playwright An Opening A Dame Principal Boy/Girl Luckless Heroes Baddies Broker's Men Fairies Old Jokes Music & Song Contact Costs
  

Widow TwankeyDAMES:


A Dame is essential. What is it about British actors that makes them all want to dress in drag?

 

 



From ALADDIN
TWANKEY:
ALADDIN! WISHYWASHY! Has anybody here seen my pair of idle sons? (TO AUDIENCE-) Have you seen them? There's no point in me asking that lot-I've seen the show before so I know- two boys, one about so high (SHOWS) Aladdin, and one about so high (HAND ABOUT A FOOT OFF FLOOR) Wishywashy- he's got trouble with his back- can't get it off the mattress in the morning- I don't know why I'm saying 'morning' -he can't get it off the mattress, full stop.
CROWD 1: What have they done now, Widow Twankey?
TWANKEY: What have they done?! What have they done! I'm glad you asked!
CROWD 1: Why?
TWANKEY: Cos we've got to get the story over somehow- They've done nothing! That's the problem-Here I am, a young widow in the prime of her life, at the tender age of - (MUTTERS AND COUGHS)
CROWD 2 : How old?
TWANKEY: (MUTTERS AGAIN)
CROWD 3 : I didn't quite catch that-
TWANKEY: As Marcus Trescothick *used to say, regularly-No, it's quite simple-and I'm not talking about Wishywashy- the way to calculate a lady's age- take her natural bio- rhythms, divide by Napier's logarithms, insert the date of birth plus the differential calculus, times the degree of discrepancy along with the angle of the dangle, add the temperature of Archimedes' bathwater, over the rule of thumb, accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, divide the whole by the figure she admits to and guess. (*any current cricketer)
BYSTANDER 2: You don't look a day over thirty
TWANKEY: That's very kind of you
BYSTANDER 3: No, you look about a week over sixty
TWANKEY: How dare you! I may be the mother of children who are.. well into their teens but I was a child bride- and now I am a tender young widow- forced by the cruel vagaries of Fate to slave away in the family laundry, all hours of the day and night, seven days a week, sometime more, up to my armpits in suds and bubbles, working my fingers to the bone in order to support my two poor orphaned boys-
(SINGS AS DEEP AS POSSIBLE)
- I GETS WEARY AND SICK OF TRYING
I'D TIRED OB LIVING AND FEARED OB DYIN'
BUT OLD MAN RIBBER
(ENTER ALADDIN AND WISHYWASHY)
WISHYWASHY AND ALADDIN: Mum,
TWANKEY: Shut up, I haven't finished yet- (DOWN ON KNEES)
OLD MAN RIBBER, HE JUST KEEP ROLLIN' ALONG!
Now what do you want?
ALADDIN: I don't know- you were looking for us-
TWANKY: I was looking for you in the vain hope that you might help me- here, I am, slogging my guts out, trying to keep this family fed, single- handed!
WISHY: What's wrong with your other hand?
TWANKY: It's fully occupied, trying to keep you two in order! (BAFFS THEM)
  
  Content © Tony Cottrell, Pantos Direct

website by Herodsfoot Webworks